


Our Deeds Determined

by krabapple



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-10
Updated: 2011-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-27 03:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krabapple/pseuds/krabapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sorrow is a part of love and love does not seek to throw it off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Deeds Determined

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU of _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban._ Section headers in italics are direct quotations from the original novel.
> 
> Written for Reversathon 2007.

_The stranger was wearing an extremely shabby set of wizard's robes that had been darned in several places. He looked ill and exhausted. Though quite young, his light brown hair was flecked with gray._

 

It was easy for Remus to feel as though he was being haunted. He thought he had been prepared to return to Hogwarts. During the summer he had spent time going through his old things, the few pieces of nostalgia he still kept tucked away in battered shoeboxes or old school cases in the back of closets, or in the attic. There wasn't a lot, in all reality. Remus hadn't held on to much.

There were old notes, scribbled on parchment or in the bound Muggle notebooks his father had given him. Remus carefully sorted through them, saving the ones on Defense to take with him. There were papers, quizzes, exams, marked in McGonagall's neat handwriting or the scrawling script of Slughorn. There were a few photos, mostly handed down from James and Sirius, sometimes Peter, since Remus had not owned a camera then; in fact, hadn't owned one even since. He found his memory quite sufficient. The photographs showed James releasing and catching a snitch in their dorm. Sirius bent over the map, working. Peter and James flying during a pick up Quidditch game. Lily looking up from her homework in the common room to smile for the camera. There was one of James, Lily and Harry all together, Lily waving Harry's chubby baby hand at the camera. There were none of Remus himself, or of Sirius after Hogwarts.

He even went through the newspaper clippings. There were clips outlining the war's progress in _The Daily Prophet_. Mentions of Death Eater attacks on the front page. A clipping of the Prophet's coverage of James and Lily's deaths, and Harry's alleged triumph. An expose of Harry, showing a blurred photograph of him as he returned from his first year at Hogwarts.

But nothing had prepared him for waking up in a rattling train car to see Harry's white face staring back at him. Or for sitting at the faculty table next to Snape, who was dripping with perhaps deserved contempt for Remus. There was the sound of his steps on the stone floors, no heavier than they had been when he was sixteen, the echo of laughter down the stairs. He still transformed in the Shrieking Shack once a month, where there was still a large, leaning four poster and even more dust.

Most of all, there were the times he walked the grounds, either on his own or as part of faculty rounds, when he felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck, as if there was a pair of eyes on him at all times. Whether he was being haunted or hunted, Remus couldn't tell. He wasn't even quite sure there was a difference.

 

 _"Do you think Black's still in the castle?" Hermione whispered anxiously._

 _"Dumbledore obviously thinks he might be," said Ron._

 _"It's very lucky he picked tonight, you know," said Hermione as they climbed fully dressed into their sleeping bags and propped themselves on their elbows to talk. "The one night we weren't in the tower. . . ."_

 _"I reckon he's lost track of time, being on the run," said Ron. "Didn't realize it was Halloween. Otherwise he'd have come bursting in here."_

 _Hermione shuddered._

 

No one had asked him, but Remus was aware of the implications all the same. Sirius – Black – had been inside the castle. No one doubted the word of the Fat Lady, least of all Remus. The students were safe, tucked inside the Great Hall, where they'd been during the attack. People were wondering how Black had entered the castle, and Remus knew without being told that he was suspected. Dumbledore had denied it to Snape's own face, though he'd said nothing to Remus. Dumbledore probably thought it would insult Remus to reassure him; if only he knew that all Remus wanted at the moment _was_ reassurance.

The truth was, Remus hadn't let Sirius into the castle. He would never have dreamed of it; he could picture himself killing Sirius himself before letting him anywhere near Harry. Harry, who trusted Remus implicitly, who thought that Remus was the best teacher he had ever had. Harry, who was bright and brilliant and loyal, and, Remus thought, as much like Lily as he was like James.

However, Remus did indeed know how Sirius could have made it into the castle. More precisely, he knew of at least seven different ways. But he didn't know for sure how Sirius had accomplished it, and, in all honestly, Remus was afraid. Not of Dumbledore, exactly, but of Dumbledore's disapproval. Of any disapproval. True, he'd worked on the Map when he was young and inexperienced and foolhardy, and the adult Remus could hardly be held accountable for what his younger self had done in what was essentially innocence. It was not as if Dumbledore could expel him, or even that he would discharge Remus as a professor, or out him to the world as a werewolf, or do anything else that would put Remus in any serious jeopardy.

But that thread, that obsession with approval, was wound tightly throughout Remus's gut. Just tugging on it with his mind led to frightening places, and Remus was deathly afraid of what would happen if he unwound it fully, of where he would be lead if he confessed any possible current connection with Black.

Never mind his previous connections.

So Remus merely went on, in the usual way, though his next transformation was more painful, even with the Wolfsbane. The morning after, as he was shaking, his teeth chattering in the Shrieking Shack, he had to wonder if, perhaps, his lingering guilt had anything to do with that.

 

 _He turned, intending to head back toward the middle of the field, but at that moment, another flash of lightning illuminated the stands, and Harry saw something that distracted him completely – the silhouette of an enormous shaggy black dog, clearly imprinted against the sky, motionless in the topmost, empty row of seats._

 

Remus's last transformation had been shaky, and Snape had been forced to take his classes for a day, but he'd come to the match anyway, not wanting to miss his first opportunity to see Harry play. His first concern was for Harry, who had tumbled out of the sky with such velocity it had taken Dumbledore's hand in the matter to ensure a safe landing. Still, puzzled as to what had caused Harry to fall, Remus was scanning the sky where dozens upon dozens of Dementors were slowly becoming visible. The Dementors had been strictly forbidden to enter this far onto the school grounds, Remus thought quickly, so they had to have come this way for a reason. Remus doubted Harry was it. He frowned up into the sky and another loud crash rumbled as lightning lit up the pitch, so close that the thunder came directly after. In the flash of brilliance Remus thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye, at the very top of the stands. His first, foolish thought was that it was the Grim, and then memory and awareness and logic caught up with him at once and he ran.

He ran and ran and ran, feet sloshing through wet grass, clothing soaked into his skin and hair plastered to his head from the rain. He ran until he could run no longer, a big, black shadow blocking his path. Remus skidded to a stop, tripping, nearly falling into the dark mud outside of Hogsmeade. The air in front of the dog shimmered, and Sirius Black appeared.

Remus already had his wand at the ready.

"I wanted to see Harry play," was the first thing Sirius said. His voice was beyond hoarse, rough with disuse and utterly unlike what Remus remembered.

"How kind of you to think of him," Remus said, voiced drenched in sarcasm. "I'm sure he'll appreciate the fall."

"That wasn't me!" Sirius shouted. "That was the Dementors!"

"And why were the Dementors there, Sirius? Has all logic escaped you? I should just let them have you."

At that, Sirius looked down at the ground, but not before Remus saw the flash in his eyes when he had mentioned Dementors. When Sirius looked up again, there was such vulnerability in his eyes that Remus involuntarily backed away a step.

"I didn't do it, Remus."

Remus stepped forward.

"I didn't do it. I didn't betray Lily and James. I wouldn't do that!" Sirius was shouting so loudly Remus was surprised no one had heard the noise and come running.

"Yes, you did! Of course you did!" Remus answered.

"No, I." Sirius stopped.

"And I _knew_ ," Remus said, taking a shuddering breath. "I _knew_. The late nights, the secrecy. You never talked to me. I knew you were the spy and I did _nothing_. If I had turned you in, James and Lily would still be alive."

"No, Remus –-" Sirius stepped forward.

"Don't come any closer!" Remus shouted, and Sirius stopped moving, focusing on Remus's wand.

"Moony – "

"Don't call me that. Don't you _dare_." Remus's voice was low and soft.

"I didn't do it, Remus. It was Peter. It was Peter all along," Sirius said desperately.

"Peter's dead. You killed him."

"No! That's just what he wants you to think!" Sirius laughed, a mad, rambling laugh that scared Remus more than anything that had happened so far -- more than Sirius's rags, his rotted teeth, his knotted hair. More than Harry's fall, or seeing Sirius again, or being alone with him in the pouring rain. "Peter! He was the smartest one of us all, and we let him fool us!"

It finally occurred to Remus that Sirius had lost his mind in Azkaban after all. "What do you mean?"

"Peter was the spy! He worked for Voldemort for years!"

"But you were the secret keeper!"

Sirius laughed again. "No! It was all my brilliant plan! Brilliant, Moony! I was going to save the Potters! We changed at the last minute, made Peter the secret keeper. Voldemort would never suspect him! He'd suspect me, and I'd buy them some time. Except Peter was the spy! He went right to Voldemort."

"And then you killed him," Remus finished.

"No. I went after him, and he ran. He killed those people, faked his own death."

"Why didn't you tell anyone this when the Aurors took you away?"

"Because don't you see, Remus? It was still my fault. I'm still the reason James and Lily are dead. Just because I didn't sell them to Voldemort doesn't mean I'm not guilty."

Through everything Sirius had already said, this was the first time Remus could feel he was telling the truth.

"Are you going to turn me in, Remus? Your friend?"

"I loved you once," Remus said, as if that were an answer.

"Is that a no? Or do you love Dumbledore's approval more?"

Remus felt his jaw set. "Not as much as you loved your own importance."

"The only thing I loved that was important was you!" Sirius shouted. It was the first time today Sirius's face had been completely open, free of anything other than naked emotion.

Remus, who had always felt second to everyone and everything else, frowned. Abruptly, he noticed that the rain was starting to freeze, cold pricks of ice stinging his skin. Sirius's eyes got wide and dark. "Dementors," Sirius whispered, looking up.

Remus raised his wand. Sirius flinched back, covered his face with his hands.

"Incarcerous," Remus shouted, and Sirius fell backward under the spell of the body bind.

 

 _If all goes well, you will be able to save more than one innocent life tonight._

 

Forty-eight minutes after Remus delivered Sirius to Dumbledore, Dumbledore stepped out of his office. Remus was sitting on the steps, still half-wet; he scrambled to his feet as Dumbledore appeared.

Dumbledore merely looked at Remus, and then nodded once, gravely. "I think we need to go inspect Mr. Weasley's rat."

\---------

Sirius didn't fully wake until the next morning. He was under the care of Madame Pomfrey in Hogwart's infirmary; she had bathed him, dressed him in clean pajamas and put him to bed. Pomfrey herself had attended to the various scrapes and cuts on his skin, and cleaned and repaired his teeth. She had combed through his hair, though not cut it, and it spread on the pillow underneath his head, stray strands sometimes getting stuck on his cheek or neck.

Harry had sat with Remus for a long while into the night. Harry had been discharged from the infirmary after his fall, but he had insisted on seeing Sirius after Dumbledore had summoned him and told him the whole story. Sirius was asleep due to a combination of the effects of Remus's spell and a mild sedative potion, and though Remus wouldn't let Harry wake Sirius, he didn't have the heart to turn him away. So they sat together, Harry at the foot of Sirius's bed, Remus in a chair beside it. They talked some, mostly about James and Sirius, some about Remus himself. It was the first time Remus had talked to Harry as someone other than his professor, as someone who had been a friend of James and Lily's, and he was surprised at the ease with which Harry took in his stories, and the pleasure they obviously caused.

It was well after curfew before Madam Pomfrey came in to check on Sirius and shooed Harry away, only after promising Harry could return after breakfast and, yes, he could bring Hermione and Ron. Remus knew Madam Pomfrey was not usually as kind about visitors, but she had always been fond of Remus, and he knew she was doing it for his sake as much as she was for Harry's. Remus refused to let her run him off, too, so he'd spent the night fitfully sleeping in a chair next to Sirius's bed. He had changed out of his wet clothes and robes, and was dressed simply in blue jeans and a black jumper, wool socks on his feet.

Sirius stirred slightly before seven; Remus had been awake since half past five, waiting. At first Sirius seemed relaxed and at ease, but Remus watched his face melt into panic quickly.

"Hey, now," Remus said softly from his chair.

Sirius's gaze found him. "I. Where am I?"

"I'm surprised you don't remember; you certainly used to spend enough time here."

Sirius squinted. "This looks like the infirmary."

"It is," Remus confirmed. "How much of yesterday do you remember?"

Sirius closed his eyes, but propped himself up slightly on his pillows. "There was the Quidditch game. And you." Sirius's eyes opened. "You hexed me, gave me to Dumbledore."

Remus closed his eyes, passed a hand over his face. Trust Sirius to remember first what he probably saw as a betrayal.

"I talked to Dumbledore – and then he left. That's all I remember."

"He left to go rat out Peter, if you'll forgive the expression," Remus said.

"And?" Sirius was terrible at holding back hope; it was written all over his face. Another thing that hadn't changed.

"Well, you're not in Azkaban, are you?" Sirius flinched at Remus's words, and Remus felt a pang of guilt. "He made the rat change back into Peter – terrifying Ron Weasley in the process, I might add. Peter confirmed everything you told me, and more. The Ministry sent Aurors over to escort him to Azkaban to await trial, and released you into Dumbledore's custody, after lots of shouting by Dumbledore. Until they can officially acquit you, you're confined to school grounds."

Sirius seemed to take this in, his eyes darting back and forth as he looked around the room. "Dumbledore is fine with that arrangement?" he asked.

"Well. I think he's still going to have a piece to say about you sneaking into the castle and frightening the Fat Lady."

"I didn't mean to scare her. And it was Peter I was after."

"I know."

"The children were in the Great Hall; I wouldn't hurt them. And it was Halloween, and all I could think about was --" Sirius cut himself off abruptly.

Remus's voice was quiet. "I know that, too."

There was silence until Sirius asked, "And you?"

Remus shrugged. "I changed clothes, came here when I learned this is where they'd taken you. Haven't really moved in quite a long time. Harry was here for a while, you know, just had to see you. Pomfrey finally got him to go, but he'll be back soon, I can promise you that."

"Harry." Sirius smiled, and Remus was surprised at how little a real smile from Sirius had changed. "How is he?"

"Oh, he's fine," Remus said. "Quite well, actually. Wasn't injured in the fall, and he's enormously pleased about you, I reckon."

"I can't imagine that," Sirius said.

"You'll see," Remus replied.

They were quiet for a moment; Remus could hear the chirping of the birds that nested near the south window.

"You didn't really answer my question, you know," Sirius said.

"I know." Remus sighed. "I'm adjusting. I'm here."

"I know the feeling."

Remus looked up, studied the pattern on the ceiling for a while. Finally he looked down, and made sure he caught Sirius's eye. "I just. I wanted to tell you. No matter what you think, you aren't responsible for what happened to James and Lily."

Sirius looked down, picked a bit at the blanket. "I don't believe that."

"I didn't think you would. Not yet. Perhaps someday soon."

Sirius looked up. "You aren't, either."

"Hmmm," Remus said. "I am responsible for what happened to you, though."

Sirius's eyebrows knit together, and Remus explained, "I could have trusted you. I could have _fought_ for you. But I didn't."

Sirius shook his head. "I think. I think there's a lot that we would have done differently if we could have. But we can't." He paused. "Forgive me, Remus."

Remus smiled faintly. "Not at all, Padfoot, old friend. And will you, in turn, forgive me?"

"Of course, Moony." Sirius smiled. "I can call you Moony?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Remus said. "I suppose from here we'll just have to keep on, doing the best we can as we go along."

Sirius looked at him, and once again, as ever, Remus could see the whole of his heart. "Together?"

Remus stood. He stepped forward and placed a hand on Sirius head, cupping it gently.

"Yes, I think so," he said, leaning down to place a small kiss on Sirius's forehead.

**Author's Note:**

> Recipient's Request: Prisoner of Azkaban AU, Remus/Sirius. What happens if Remus catches sight of Padfoot? What if Sirius got the chance to explain himself before that fateful night? Take whatever tone you'd like, whether funny or bittersweet or somewhere in between.


End file.
